I have struggled with being comfortable in my skin for as long as I can remember. There is not a diet I have not tried. When I got sober I realized that I also had an eating disorder. The eating disorder proved to be the more difficult thing to manage that being sober.

I have lost 100 pounds of more three times in my life. I would do great and find the discipline to lose the weight and build healthier habits. Then I would hit adversity that overwhelmed all the healthy and I would return to my unhealthy habits. The two stints in grad school also compounded my healthy habits. School was very difficult for me and took incredible amounts of energy for me to engage the work.

I lost the 100 pounds the last time in 2014. It has been a long haul. I have healthier habits than I had previously. The key for me has been joy. I do not deny myself joy. I can find myself indulging much. When I become aware of it I no longer beat myself up. I no long wield guilt and shame to scare myself to healthy compliance. I embrace my humanity and feel joy.

I can eat whatever I want. I can do whatever I want. There is a cost (admission if you will) to everything. I ask myself, “Are you willing to pay the cost?” With awareness and intention I live. I remind myself of the costs of my actions. I seek to embrace what is, what I want, and what the cost of it all is.

What could it look like if you allowed yourself joy? Embraced your full humanity? Built awareness of what patterns, habits, thoughts, feelings, emotions, and fears you encounter, without judgement or malice. What would it all invite you into?

There is only one why to find out…