“God”

I have been pondering “God” as a placeholder for the human experience. Before I continue I offer that I have had a contentious relationship with God that often vacillates between scorned lover and devoted partner. Through it all I have obsessively sought the divine.

I am not certain what inspired the idea of God as a placeholder or what I am really seeking in this. It is something that entered my mind and has not left so I am entertaining the thought. On the surface I have no real expectation. Then I have some kind of strong emotional reaction to the thought and I explore further wondering, “WTF does it keep hanging on to me?”

I meditate upon the relationship I and God have and how I sought God in my life. God has been a lucky charm, a protection spell, a wishing stone, the explained in the unexplained, the beauty of the midnight moon, the smile of a woman, my children, and the saving grace that delivered me through a particularly difficult depressive episode.

In all of this God has evolved with me. As I grow so does the depth and understanding of the God I pursue and thus (it not just for me) God has grown. This endeavor has fashioned a God of inclusivity and grace. A God of abundance and understanding. A God the mirrors the diversity of the human experience.

This is where I begin with the thought, “God as a placeholder of the human experience.” Even this is an insular thought as it is compelled by me and for me. By no means is this thought meant for others as much as it is something that is particularly intrusive for me.

I wonder why I have the desire to even explore this idea. I am in no particular hurry to redefine God. Perhaps, it is a response to my shifting life and the destabilizing forces I have experienced in the past few weeks. God is important to me as it has been a pathway to self-understanding.

God is and has been bigger than me. I appreciate that. If God is a placeholder for my experience as a human I am cool with that too. Then what does it mean if God is a placeholder for my experience as a human?

It is here I wrestle. I am not convinced of anything other than a freewill kind of God. I need agency. I need a God that is not a hunter. I also need a God that allows for room for growth in the safe space of reconciliation. I need multiple paths to explore trusting that as long as I travel the path will eventually lead to God.

I do not need any particular religious ideology. I do like me some religious ideology. I just do not want a ridged one. I am comfortable being uncomfortable. I am okay not having all the answers. I am good being no thing. I am not sure if I can achieve any of this without God silently whispering or gleefully declaring. I am not sure of what role God plays in all of this. I am certain that God does indeed play a role.

This is my dilemma. A placeholder for a conversation that continues to unfold.

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